*coughs and waves away smoke*
Time machines are hard work, you guys. The chrono-matrix is too damn delicate. I just can’t get it to balance.
Crap-packets! *kicks things*
Why do I need a time machine? Why, to find the time to write, of course! Time is the one resource I cherish above all others, and, of course, it is a resource I cannot renew. Unless I get this piston-licking time machine to stop breaking down. Man, this is what I get for buying generic parts. When you buy a brand name, you buy a reputation for excellence.
Since I rekindled my creative interests, almost every hard-won moment has gone towards writing. However, it is still not enough. I need more, more, more. So, in between my attempts to transcend linear time, I’ve analyzed the opportunities in my routine to find where I might wring out more time for my writing, like a sweet juice made from the rarest deep-sea fish. Mmm, time is salty and bioluminescent.
Here’s the list, with pros and cons.
PRO: Palpable aura will keep people away, limiting distractions.
CON: Beard may achieve sentience, given enough time and exposure to dangerous levels of funk. Could become adversarial.
Blending all meals and drinking them as nutritious shakes
PRO: Don’t have to wait until the end for dessert.
CON: The blender will drown out the screams that usually go with my meal preparation. Oh, the screams.
Not changing clothes
PRO: The crust that forms will eventually become hard enough to serve as armor, defending me against assassination attempts by rival writers.
CON: Shirt designs will fade with time. How will people know about my fandom of Go-Bots if it’s not right there on my chest?
Eschewing clothing entirely
PRO: Gives the whole world what it’s been asking for all these years.
CON: The map tattoo on my *REDACTED* would be visible to all, and the treasure it leads to would be in danger.
Faking my own kidnapping
PRO: Could end up on news. Free publicity!
CON: Initial investment for magazines to cut out letters for ransom note. Too rich for my blood.
Micro-naps throughout the day (by blinking slightly longer) instead of sleeping all in one go
PRO: The night terrors will be much shorter now.
CON: Will have to cut up the sleeping pills into very, very small portions.
Hiring a proxy to handle conversations for me
PRO: Could probably find someone more personable (though not handsomer) than me.
CON: Trial run with hand puppet yielded unfavorable results and a lifetime ban from TGI Friday’s. Uncertain if flesh puppet (as I would call the proxy) would be an improvement.
Constructing a robot to go to work for me
PRO: Having a synthetic son could earn me some sort of amnesty when Skynet goes online.
CON: Robot might do my job better than me, wounding my soft, squishy ego.
Cutting down on unnecessary internet time
PRO: There are no pros.
CON: It is all cons.
Warning: This post may be more interesting to me that anyone else. You’ve been warned.
I’ve written no novels yet. However, why let that stop me from issuing my demands — excuse me, preferences — for book cover art? I have simple tastes, but I know what I want. Might as well get thus on record now for when artists clamor for the honor of catering to my artistic whims. And there will be whims, I assure you!
In all honesty, if the time ever comes that I do write novels, I’ll be honored to have someone represent my work with his or her art. Let the record show my gratitude in advance, as well as the promise of future praise and gifts of exotic beetles. Okay, not the beetles. Those are mine.
Anyway, my book cover art wish list. In list form!
1. I’m not here to sightsee.
I care more about people (and other things that might not be considered “people”) than I do about the scenery. So, characters front and center. Since I care so little about the location, should they be floating in some kind of void or limbo? Mmm, maybe not. At least give me a lamppost or something. Or a tree. Two trees, if you’re feeling adventurous.
I want readers to meet my characters right away. So, the cover is the handshake of introduction. I don’t want my readers shaking hands with a mountain or a castle or something. That’s just crazy talk, and I will thank you not to continue this talk of human/landscape intermingling. It ain’t right.
Exceptions? Well, maybe if my story has some kind of interesting machines conveying characters around the story world, like airships or steampunk mechs or something, I wouldn’t mind seeing those. Maybe.
2. Smile, you’re on candid camera.
Is anyone reading this even going to get that reference? *frantically googles Candid Camera, praying he didn’t just make himself look old and unhip, daddy-o* Oh good, it actually made it to this millennium. Carry on, then.
How many people are just standing around, posed for dramatic effect? I mean really? Unless they’re staring into a mirror and considering growing a beard and are trying to decide the proper style and length that finds the sweet spot between hipster and Sasquatch. Heh, Sasquatch would make a funny hipster. “Clear pictures are too mainstream.” Then the Loch Ness Monster would scoff and sip his half-caff mochaccino because he was being photographed before it was cool.
Whoa, I digressed big time. Back on topic!
Standing around, posing, dramatic. No. What is this, Facebook? Instead of having characters who obviously knew the artist was watching them, let’s have them ignore the “camera lens” and do something freaking amazing, or at least not yawn-worthy. Cutting up some goblins, perhaps. Casting mad spells, yo. Riding a flying guinea pig named Sven. I could go on, but I’m afraid I’d start talking about cryptids again.
And no staring at that “camera,” characters. You’ve got more important things to do than moon for your fans, you puffed-up popinjay. Pretend you’re an actor…an actor pretending to be a character (and don’t keep that train of thought going or the paradox will melt your cerebellum). Actors do not look at the camera. You know, ignoring mockumentaries and stuff like that. Neither should you.
Exceptions? This one, while not ironclad, is at least bronzeclad. I can’t think of any “posed” cover I would find interesting — wait, I got one. If it was a scene where the character was actually posing for something, like another character painting him, or like a Civil War photograph, I suppose that’s kind of interesting. Oh, and I suppose a close-up shot of a character’s face might work, but only if that face is damn fascinating, and perhaps bloody.
3. You going to use that or are you just holding it for someone?
Too often we see characters holding a gun or a sword in a thoroughly non-dramatic way. I want that gun aimed at something, a finger squeezing that trigger. I want that sword being the only thing standing between that character and a messy end. If a character is holding a prop, can we have her using it? Especially if it’s a death ray because those make pretty lights.
Exceptions? Not sure. If anyone wants to suggest props that are better held than used, feel free to suggest them.
4. I prefer pie to cake, especially if the cake is beefy or cheesy.
I don’t want beefcake or cheesecake. I know, I know, “sex sells,” but I plan to keep all the sex appeal on the inside of the book in a section called “About the Author.” Awwwwww yeah. *waggling of eyebrows*
Why no scantily-clad people? It just seems…silly to me. Like when a female warrior is wearing impractical armor that bares her midriff. Insert sword here, it might as well say.
Exceptions? I don’t know. Barbarians? They don’t wear much by design. Let’s say that skin is allowed if the characters are blasé about it. “Oh, my muscles are glistening with sweat and hypnotizing you? Can’t think about that now, man, I’m too busy wrestling this koala bear. This DIRE koala bear!”
5. No dog poop.
No clever heading here. No explanation even needed, right? I don’t want people picking up my book and seeing a piece of doggy doo. Why am I even still talking about this one?
LIST OVER. You made it, buddy! Have a Gatorade.
So that’s it. I guess I just want book covers that are as riveting as my books (hopefully) will be.
Like this one I found by doing a Google search just now.
This is awesome. Neither character is looking into the camera. The man is crouched, but in an active way, ready to spring, ready to make with the stabbity stab with those wicked daggers. Plus there’s a freaking ghost right there. I’d be proud to have art like this.
I hope I do, someday. Guess part of that is up to me.