Finding the Time to Write: Getting DesperatePosted: May 3, 2013
*coughs and waves away smoke*
Time machines are hard work, you guys. The chrono-matrix is too damn delicate. I just can’t get it to balance.
Crap-packets! *kicks things*
Why do I need a time machine? Why, to find the time to write, of course! Time is the one resource I cherish above all others, and, of course, it is a resource I cannot renew. Unless I get this piston-licking time machine to stop breaking down. Man, this is what I get for buying generic parts. When you buy a brand name, you buy a reputation for excellence.
Since I rekindled my creative interests, almost every hard-won moment has gone towards writing. However, it is still not enough. I need more, more, more. So, in between my attempts to transcend linear time, I’ve analyzed the opportunities in my routine to find where I might wring out more time for my writing, like a sweet juice made from the rarest deep-sea fish. Mmm, time is salty and bioluminescent.
Here’s the list, with pros and cons.
PRO: Palpable aura will keep people away, limiting distractions.
CON: Beard may achieve sentience, given enough time and exposure to dangerous levels of funk. Could become adversarial.
Blending all meals and drinking them as nutritious shakes
PRO: Don’t have to wait until the end for dessert.
CON: The blender will drown out the screams that usually go with my meal preparation. Oh, the screams.
Not changing clothes
PRO: The crust that forms will eventually become hard enough to serve as armor, defending me against assassination attempts by rival writers.
CON: Shirt designs will fade with time. How will people know about my fandom of Go-Bots if it’s not right there on my chest?
Eschewing clothing entirely
PRO: Gives the whole world what it’s been asking for all these years.
CON: The map tattoo on my *REDACTED* would be visible to all, and the treasure it leads to would be in danger.
Faking my own kidnapping
PRO: Could end up on news. Free publicity!
CON: Initial investment for magazines to cut out letters for ransom note. Too rich for my blood.
Micro-naps throughout the day (by blinking slightly longer) instead of sleeping all in one go
PRO: The night terrors will be much shorter now.
CON: Will have to cut up the sleeping pills into very, very small portions.
Hiring a proxy to handle conversations for me
PRO: Could probably find someone more personable (though not handsomer) than me.
CON: Trial run with hand puppet yielded unfavorable results and a lifetime ban from TGI Friday’s. Uncertain if flesh puppet (as I would call the proxy) would be an improvement.
Constructing a robot to go to work for me
PRO: Having a synthetic son could earn me some sort of amnesty when Skynet goes online.
CON: Robot might do my job better than me, wounding my soft, squishy ego.
Cutting down on unnecessary internet time
PRO: There are no pros.
CON: It is all cons.